Internal Experience

I wonder why my friends always make me wait. Or is it I'm always early? are all of my clocks behind? no. people just lag. why should I care? I have nothing to do anyway. Time does not heal all wounds, time is the disease.

there are a lot of old people out today. nothing but old couples. how sweet. what do they think when they see me? am i some young punk in their eyes? do they know my compassion? do they think about how i wish i was old? I wish i was old. i wanted to strike up a conversation with them and tell them how i envy them. I want to know their story.

trash every where. people take for granted the beauty that lies right under their noses. that heap of litter clogging the storm drain has a certain beauty to it. that cigarette butt, rolling along. I wish i could time lapse life. where will it end up. how will it decompose?

I fall in love with everyone i meet. I’ve got to stop that. I torture myself with the unknowns. do they like me too or are they just being polite? do they find the little things as beautiful as i do? they way she paints her nails. the lines around her mouth. her neck. I can make love to her forever, each time finding a new wonder. each time marveling at a new square inch of perfection. maybe it’s because i see through artists eyes. constantly trying to manipulate reality. I'm a gruesome son of a bitch. or am i being watched. I often think people are watching me, as i watch them. I'd like that. maybe they’d be kinder to one another. maybe when looking at me they can see inside, see that I'm not that bad of a person. a little socially awkward. my cynicism is a joke. i have too much faith in humanity. why don’t people fight for peace? why is that not the number one main concern for every living being?

that girls card has been sitting on my desk for weeks. should i call her? she was kind, cute, outgoing. I'd fall in love and she’d be the wrong one. I’d have to tell her i' was a broken man and I'd break her. why can’t i stop loving her? i worry about her always. I'm jealous. i shouldn’t be, but i am. what's going to happen? nothing in my favor, i did someone wrong in a past life maybe. maybe that's why I'm so polite. i remember holding a door open for a good 5 mins while a crowd of people walked into a building. I opened the door for an older woman, she waited till all the people came in, as i did, and she thanked me. said she was happy to see chivalry was not dead. that stuck with me. I wasn’t even thinking about it. in fact i was quite annoyed. people used to sit in circles and tell stories, now they all sit apart. no one caring about the other. I need to stop depressing myself.

i think maybe i ought to hitch hike up state. I'm afraid I'd starve that's the only thing holding me back. starvation. as much as i despise the rich. i liked having money to burn. it gave me confidence. i have a new confidence now though. the confidence of a thinker. not many people think about science and biology on a regular basis. not many who are not enrolled students and are only thinking about it to get a grade. i wish this library were bigger. i want to film a movie in a library. it’s be the internal dialog of all the people inside… that should make for a interesting story. it’s probably been done. “when will he find himself? he only knows rock and roll…”

i often envy those with birth defects. i know crazy right? what individuality~! twins would be neat too.

i always manage to get paint in strange places. how does this happen? the sole of my shoe has paint on it. i certainly  wasn’t kicking the wall, nor did i step in it. i guess i did though, strange…

photography is too accessible. music is too wide spread. painting is too critical. art is a dead end. I've always been on to hang out in most peculiar places. on the steps in front of the bus stop. behind the bungalows at school. abandoned houses. my room. this lake. this pond rather… someone's coming.

to move in silence, to be an outsider. I want to exist in spirit. I’d probably spend most of my time by her side. she’d hate that, but I'd be in heaven. unless she was having gross sex with some dickhead. i want to be small. i want to be microbial. i want to exist in a concert piano that gets played by the worlds best players. and I'd live there, dancing. we are small Paul. but our imagination is endless.

I've seen too many movies. another girl wanted to be my friend today, and yet i was really rude to her. why? to much liquor. i was mocking her friend for trying to hard. she gave me this innocent look, like, why are you being an asshole? and it stopped me in my tracks. just her eyes. i turned and walked away. I was mocking him because I grew up in a different time than he and her, even though were probably only a few years apart. rebellion was in. not conformity. now conformity is in and it makes me sick. we all conform to a certain degree, we all shop at the same stores, etc… but sheesh, do you have to make it so obvious that your trying to be a hipster or what ever it is you fancy yourself? electronic music has been out long before you found out about it, your not the expert. I’m not saying i am either, but I sure know more about it than you and i don’t wear plaid and skinny jeans and retro glasses. well, maybe i do, but only because i was creating my own style not copying something from a webpage. I’m bringing snake skin boots back, watch me.

the stars are really bright tonight!! holy moly! and of course i forgot my camera. douche bag…

it’s freeing to rid myself of all the old work. even though i have it, It’s not as easily accessible and that's good. no one will care, it’s there now and no one wants it, what makes you think they’ll want it in the future? if i was to suddenly gain in popularity, it would be for something i did at the present, not the past. it would only be for freaks like me, who’ve got to have everything they admire, and in that case I'll save it. i should delete this too…

I'll post it first then delete it. it’ll take some hunting, but in the vast obscurities of the web space, it’ll be there for those who want it.